「校园英文笑话」简单的英语小笑话

简单的英语小笑话

我这有几个英语小笑话： 校园幽默四则 1. Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 2. The Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 鱼网 "你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。 "把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。 3. The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 "乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。 "妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。" 4. A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考试 在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。 这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？ 尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

英语笑话方面的问题.有没有关于校园生活的英语小笑话

一. 上学的时候,有一天我在宿舍准备换裤子，刚抽掉裤带，不料进来几个女学生，没办法，我只好提着裤子来到隔壁宿舍。我解开扣子正要脱时，不料又进来几个女学生，没办法，我只好提着裤子来到下一个宿舍门口。因为我双手提着裤子，又很着中国，只好一脚踹开宿舍门，同时大喊：“里面有没有女人？有没有女人？”只见屋里坐着一大堆女生，恐怖地望着我…… 二. 一天地理老师问同学们，河水向哪里流呀？ 一学生猛站起来唱到：大河向东流啊。 老师没理会他，接著说，天上有中国颗星星啊？ 那位同学又唱到：天上的星星参北斗啊。 老师气中国：你给我滚出去！ 学生：说走咱就走啊。 老师无奈说：你有病吧？ 学生：你有我有全都有啊! 老师：你再说一句试试..... 学生：路见不平一声吼啊！ 老师：你信不信我揍你？ 学生：该出手时就出手... 老师怒：我让你退学！ 学生：风风火火闯九州！ 呵呵，提前祝愿在外面飘泊闯荡的兄弟姐妹们 三. 各位正在念书的朋友都知道，有的同学经常会设下一些“套”来跟你开玩笑。记得学《岳阳楼记》的时候，同学A突然指着课本上的“刻唐贤今人诗赋于其上”一句中的“诗赋”二字问我：“这两个字怎么念？”我一时不防，脱口而出：“‘诗赋’啊！”A马上答道：“哎，徒弟！”我才知上当。当下我苦思片刻，已有了报复之法，我问：“那你说这两个字怎么念？”A说：“我不认识。”我早知有此一答，于是笑着说：“你也太不象话了！你连‘师傅’都不认识了！” 四. 美术课结束，老师把同学的图画簿一本本地收上来，康康在交图画簿时对老师说：“老师，请别把我的簿于放在最下面。”老师奇怪地问：“为什么？”“因为我画的是鸡蛋，放在下面会压碎的。” 5. 有次上英语课，外面传来阵阵发动摩托车的声音。这声音持续了很久，吵得人不得安稳。这时候，老师发现了大家的烦躁，摇头说，“中国的摩托车呀……。唉！”下课了，我们才发现，是工人在伐木！ 陆. 心不在焉的教授病了，不得不住进医院。大夫来到他的病房门口时，护士说：“教授，大夫来了。”可怜的教授哼了哼说道：“告诉他我现在不能见他。我病得太厉害了。” 漆. 朋友和我初进军官学校受训，颇引以为荣。我们刚从物料供应处拿到制服，看见有个身穿制服的人迎面而来，连忙立正敬礼，同时大声说：“长官，您早。” “早，”对方答道，“邮政局人员衷诚为您效劳。” 吧. 上解剖课时,解剖台上放着五个心脏,其中一个比别的至少大四倍。 同学窃语:"这个人一定是得胸水死的." "这个人一定是得心肌炎死的,心脏变得那么厚,一定是发炎了." "这个人一定是得心肌梗死的,左右心室都肥厚." 老师说:"为了让同学们看得更清楚,今天特意准备了一个大牛心..." 同学:!@@$%^&* 一日上解剖课讲肌肉组织,老师找不到教鞭了于是从解剖台上挑出一条人的上臂,举着,指着黑板说:"咱们来讲下一个问题.".... 9. 老师：“如果你的裤子的一个口袋里有二十马克，而另一个口袋里有五十马克，这说明什么？”学生：“这说明我穿的不是自己的裤子。” 一0. 老师：请把“我的哥哥去学校”这句话改写成将来式。学生：我哥哥的儿子去学校。 一一. 电脑课上，心不在焉的卢卡被教授点名提问。“为什么不回答，卢卡，我提出的问题很难吗？”“噢，不，先生。你的问题我完全懂，是答案把我难住了。” 一二. 几个学生凑在一起,比谁最不崇洋媚外。王甲首先发言:我从来就不买外国货；李乙摇了摇脑袋:我从来不看外国电影；张丙慢条斯理地站起来说:哼,入学以来,我外语考试从来不及格

急求！英语小笑话

Class and Ass Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today." A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c". Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l". 班和笨驴 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。” 一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。 后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。 Plagiarism A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism." 抄 袭 我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。” “你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。 我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。” Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue." 美 德 获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。 最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。” Difference "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down." 区 别 “研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。” Flunking Math My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student. "Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!" "And just what does this mean?" I asked. "I'm flunking math," he replied. 数学没及格 我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。 “妈妈，”他激动地说：“我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。” “你到底是什么意思？”我问道。 “我数学没及格。”他回答说。 Part-time Job When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. "How was your first day?" I asked. "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?" 业余工作 我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。 “第一天感觉如何？”我问。 “好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。” 由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？” “你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？” Keys? Kiss? A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks. 钥匙还是接吻 我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。 Prepare Yourself A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 自己做好准备 校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。” 两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

求三个英语笑话！！！

I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." 其余的事由我负责 一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。 “快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。” “噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 “请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。” Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 安眠药 鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。 星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？” A Smugglar The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. "What's in here?" he asked. "Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them." Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "Dirt, more dirt." said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time." Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars." 走私犯 一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。 “里面装的是什么？”他问道。 “土。”司机回答。 “把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。” 那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。 一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。 “这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。 “土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。 哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。 同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？” 那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。” Skunk "We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?" "Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open." Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher. "No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!" 臭 鼬 “我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？” “弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。” 一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。 “没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。” Patience Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself? Onlooker: I haven't got the patience. 耐 性 垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？ 旁观者：我没那耐性。 Bedtime Prayers Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy." Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?" And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!" 睡前祷告词 朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。” 妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？” 朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。” Things Have Been Okay A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned." "You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?" "Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay." 一切都正常 一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。” “你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？” “哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。” That's Why Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money." Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty. "That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!" One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?" "Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high." 原来如此 吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。” 吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。 “构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。” 有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？” 吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。” A Trip to Disney On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home. As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey." Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie." My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money." 迪斯尼之族 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。 当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。” 女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。” 丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。” A Fine Match One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse." The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap. Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese! 势均力敌 有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。” 这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。 令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片! Prepare Yourself A story around campus：a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 自己做好准备 校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。” 两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

学校笑话

对诗 某女生作诗曰:"一日黄昏漫步,见一男生装酷.呕吐呕吐,低头只想撞树." 一男生回诗曰:"一日自习深处,见一恐龙撞树.恐怖恐怖,可怜那棵小数." 雀斑 英文女教师:"eye是什么东西?" 学生:"不晓得!" 英文女教师:"看我鼻子的两边是什么?" 学生:"是雀斑!" 骨头与头骨 班上排演课本剧<<雷雨>>.其中鲁大海有一句台词是"这三个没有骨头的东西",排练时,演鲁大海的那一位脱口而出:"这三个没有头骨的东西!"众皆愕然,继而大笑. 初学中文 有个外国学生初学中文,十分吃力.这天,老师问他:"如果我想让某人到这边来,用中文怎么说?""这边请."外国学生一字一顿地说.老师听了满意地点点头:"那么,如果我想让某人出去,用中文怎么说?"外国学生眨眨眼睛说:"首先,我走出去,然后对他说'这边请'!

大学校园 经典笑话

谁的词典错了 编辑 删除 加标签+ 某大学多名教师合编了一本《英汉旅游词典》(英文标题为：An English-Chinese Dictionary for the Tourism Industry)。@捧腹网 一名教师为了显示自己的业务水平，当众指责该词典主编说，“你的词典错了 !‘Tourism Industry’不对，应该是‘Tourist Industry。’”其实“Tourist Industry”固然不错，“Tourism Industry”也是正确的，而且更为常用。这名教师只知其一，不知其二，在众人面前当场出丑。更可笑的是，这名说他人词典有错的教师编了一本《最新英语短语动词词典》(英文标题为：A New Dictionary of English Phrasal Verbs)。他将“最新”译为“A New”。其实“最新”的英文是“The Newest”。这一笑话在校园广为流传。{内容来自郭颐顿的博客}

最简单的英语笑话

I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." 其余的事由我负责 一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。 “快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。” “噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 “请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。” Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 安眠药 鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。 星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？” A Smugglar The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. "What's in here?" he asked. "Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them." Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "Dirt, more dirt." said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil. The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time." Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars." 走私犯 一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。 “里面装的是什么？”他问道。 “土。”司机回答。 “把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。” 那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。 一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。 “这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。 “土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。 哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。 同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？” 那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。” Skunk "We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?" "Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open." Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher. "No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!" 臭 鼬 “我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？” “弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。” 一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。 “没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。” Patience Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself? Onlooker: I haven't got the patience. 耐 性 垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？ 旁观者：我没那耐性。 Bedtime Prayers Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy." Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?" And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!" 睡前祷告词 朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。” 妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？” 朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。” Things Have Been Okay A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned." "You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?" "Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay." 一切都正常 一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。” “你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？” “哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。” That's Why Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money." Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty. "That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!" One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?" "Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high." 原来如此 吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。” 吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。 “构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。” 有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？” 吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。” A Trip to Disney On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home. As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey." Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie." My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money." 迪斯尼之族 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。 当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。” 女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。” 丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。” A Fine Match One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse." The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap. Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese! 势均力敌 有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。” 这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。 令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片! Prepare Yourself A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 自己做好准备 校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。” 两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

高中生看的懂的英语幽默笑话

你可以去谷歌搜一下怀诺美文网看看

我要有关于英语的笑话，告诉我吧！

Class and Ass Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today." A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c". Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l". 班和笨驴 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。” 一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。 后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。 Plagiarism A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism." 抄 袭 我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。” “你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。 我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。” Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue." 美 德 获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。 最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。” Difference "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down." 区 别 “研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。” Flunking Math My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student. "Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!" "And just what does this mean?" I asked. "I'm flunking math," he replied. 数学没及格 我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。 “妈妈，”他激动地说：“我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。” “你到底是什么意思？”我问道。 “我数学没及格。”他回答说。 Part-time Job When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. "How was your first day?" I asked. "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?" 业余工作 我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。 “第一天感觉如何？”我问。 “好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。” 由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？” “你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？” Keys? Kiss? A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks. 钥匙还是接吻 我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。 Prepare Yourself A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 自己做好准备 校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。” 两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

英语笑话

1.Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered. “You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.” 1.[好孩子] 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” 2.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?” “A kid bit me,”replied Ivan. “Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother. “I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.” 2.[他的耳朵在我的衣兜里] 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。”