关于新年的英语笑话
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
fool_fox
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:员工会议
Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
martini 马提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
关于春节的小笑话（英语）
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
有关新年的笑话(英文版)
New Year Resolution
Hoping to excite student interest in our reading center, I asked each teacher to write a New Year's resolution on a special form and send it to me. After I posted the resolutions on the bulletin board in the reading center, one young teacher stopped by, looked at them for a few minutes, then left abruptly. Passing two teachers on their way in, she stormed, "My resolution isn't posted - and mine was one of the first ones in!" I couldn't help but overhear, and the tone of her voice sent me flying to my desk in rearch of a misplaced resolution. Looking rapidly through stacks of papers, I uncovered hers. It read, "I resolve not to let little things upset me. "
新年决心书
为了激励同学们对我们阅览中心的兴趣，我请每位老师在一张特制的表格上写一篇新年决心书交给我。我将决心书张贴在阅览中心的布告牌上之后，一位年轻老师停下来看了几分钟，便抽身走开了。她越过两位老师闯了进来，大发雷霆道：“我的决心书竟然没有贴出来－而我的是第一批交上来的。”我在旁边听到了，看她气势汹汹的样子，我吓得赶紧跑回办公室去找那份放错了地方的决心书，飞快浏览了几叠纸之后，我打开了她的那一份，上面写着：我决心不再为一些小事而烦恼。
关于春节的英语作文，笑话.......
祝你新的一年快乐幸福
Wish you happiness and prosperity in the coming year!
辞旧迎新
Ring out the Old Year and ring in the New Year
春节英语祝福语大全-实用英语
一、新年英语祝福语——给父母亲的祝福语
Mom and Dad: Thank you for everything this holiday season!
爸爸妈妈：值此佳节，感谢您们所给予的一切。
I'll be home to enjoy this Christmas with you.
我将回家与你们共度佳节。
A present from me is on the way. Hope you'll like it.
寄上一份礼物，希望你们会喜欢。
I wish I were home for the holidays.
但愿我能回家共度佳节。
Thinking of you at New Year's time.
佳节，我想念你们。
Best wishes from Mark, Janet and the kids.
马克、珍妮特和孩子们，谨呈最诚挚的祝福。
Warmest thoughts and best wishes from your daughter.
寄上无限的思念和最美好的祝愿，你们的女儿。
Season's greetings from Xiao Li and Ming Ming.
献上小丽和明明的节日问候。
A holiday wish from your son Tom.
寄上佳节的祝福，你们的儿子汤姆敬上。
May you have the best season ever.
愿你过个最愉快的节日。
A New year greeting to cheer you from your daughter.
愿女儿的祝福带给您欢乐。
Happy New year to the world's best parents!
祝世界上最好的父母节日快乐!
Season's greetings to my dearest parents!
祝我最亲爱的父母节日愉快!
二、新年英语祝福语——给教师的祝福语
Much joy to you in the upcoming year.
愿您在新的一年充满快乐。
Thank you for all you have done for us.
感谢您为我们所做的一切。
We'll be here after the New Year.
新年过后，我们会再回来。
We won't forget you this holiday season.
假期里，我们不会忘记您的。
Thank you for your hard work and patience on this holiday season.
值此佳节，谨对您的辛勤栽培表示感谢。
Thank you for not as signing homework this holiday season.
感谢您没有留假期作业。
I look forward to your class after the new year.
我期待着新年过后，再上您的课。
Wishing you and your family a very happy new year.
祝福您及全家圣诞快乐。
A happy new year from all of your students.
祝您新年快乐，您的全体学生敬上。
New year is a time for gladness and rejoicing …because there is no class.
新年是喜庆的日子——因为不用上课。
May happiness follow you everywhere …just like we do.
愿快乐随时与您同在——如同我们与您寸步不离。
It's really a shame we can't be together at that moment.
我们不能在一起过春节真是太遗憾了。
Best wishes for you and your family.
祝福您及您的家人。
We offer New year blessings to you.
我们向您献上圣诞节的祝福!
三、新年英语祝福语——给上司/长辈的祝福语
For you and your family, boss, during this holiday season!
值此佳节，老板，献给您及您的家人。
there's no place like home for the holidays.
在这佳节里，没有比家更好的地方了。
Best wishes for a wonderful new year.
献上最诚挚的祝福，祝您新年恰愉快。
May the joy of New year be with you throughout the year.
愿圣诞佳节的喜悦，伴随您在度过新的一年。
May joy and health be with you always.
祝您永远健康快乐。
May happiness follow you wherever you go!
愿您幸福快乐，直到永远永远。
A special card from your grandson.
您的孙子，寄上一张特别的卡片。
A new year wish from your nephew.
您的侄儿祝您新年快乐。
Wishing you and yours a happy happy new year.
万事如意，合家平安。
From all of us in sales: Happy New Year!
我们销售部全体人员祝您圣诞快乐!
Your entire staff wishes you and yours a most happy new year.
全体职员祝您及家人圣诞快乐。
To Grandpa and Grandma happy new year!
献给爷爷奶奶：新年快乐!
四、新年英语祝福语——给朋友的祝福语
Happy new year, my best friend.
祝我的挚友新年快乐。
A New Year greeting to cheer you, my good friend.
希望新年祝福给你带来欢乐，我的好朋友。
We will be having New Year Party at Wang Ping's this year. You are welcome to join us!
今年我们要在王平家开新年晚会，欢迎你也来!
Take your passion and make it come true.
发挥你的热情，让理想变为现实。
I hope we can spend the holidays together.
希望我们能一起过春节。
To Hong from your good friends at Peking U.
送给红——北大的一群好友。
Best of luck in the year to come.
愿你在未来的一年里，吉星高照。
Wish all the best wishes for you.
献上最美好的祝愿。
Wish many good wishes for the holidays and the coming year.
新的一年，向你献上最诚挚的祝福。
Wishing you all the blessings of a beautiful season.
愿你拥有美丽的新年所有的祝福。
May its blessings lead into a wonderful year for you and all whom you hold dear.
祝福你及你所爱的人新的一年中万事如意。
To wish you special joy at the holidays and all year.
祝你在节日和新的一年中享有无限的快乐。
五、新年英语祝福语——给爱人的祝福语
On this season I have but one thing to say: I love you.
值此佳节，我只有一句话要告诉你：我爱你
You're the best present I ever received.
你是我所收到的最好的礼物。
I only want you for New year!
我只要你作为我的新年礼物!
I give all my love to you this New year.
值此佳节，献上我对你所有的爱。
Even though we are apart, you are in my heart this season.
千山万水，隔不断我在佳节对你的思念。
I want you stuffed in my stocking.
我只要你塞在我的袜子里。
I want to be in your arms this New Year.
我要在你的怀抱里度过今年的春节。
My heart is my New Year present to you.
我的心就是我奉献给你的新年礼物。
You are the one for me this New Year and for many New Years to come.
在此新年和未来的每个新年里，你都是我唯一的爱!
I will be yours forever!
我永远属于你!
Let's never spend our New Year apart.
让我们永不独享新年。
My arms are wide open for you this New Year.
我张开双臂，盼与你共度新春佳节。
Here's a tender New Year kiss from you know who.
你的心上人献给你一个温柔的新年之吻。
I'm only thinking of you this New Year.
在此佳节，唯有你在心中。
I hope all of our New Year are this bright!
愿所有的春诞节都如此欢快明亮
希望对你有所帮助```
赶紧麻溜写作业吧````
春节英语笑话
Not to Be Taken Out
Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. “ May I borrow a book from you? ” he asked politely. “ Yes, you're more than welcome to it, ” the neighbour told him. “ But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make it a rule never to let any book go out of my library. ”
Some days later the neighbour wished to borrow Mark Twain's machine for cutting grass in the garden. “ Why, certainly, ” Mark Twain told him. “ You're more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden. ”
译文：
概不外借
在特里镇，马克·吐温有一次去一位邻居那里借一本书。“我可以向您借一本书吗？”他礼貌地问道。“当然，非常乐意”，邻居告诉他。“但是我要求你在这儿读。你知道我有一条规定，那就是决不让一本书拿出我的图书室”。
几天以后，这位邻居想从马克·吐温那儿借一台割草机。“噢，当然可以”，马克·吐温告诉他，“非常乐意借给你。但我要你在这儿用。你知道我从来不允许把它拿出我的花园”。
原文：
The Umbrella
A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written ：“ This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes. ”
When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written: “ This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back. ”
译文：
雨伞
一位住在旅店的绅士把他的雨伞放在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了一张卡片，上面写道：“此伞属于一位能举百磅的绅士。我将在 10 分钟内回来。”
当他回来时，他发现雨伞已不翼而飞，取而代之的是另一张卡片，上面写着：“此卡片是一位 1 小时能跑 10 英里的人留下的，我不回来了。”
原文
You Will Save Much More
“ You will be pleased with me today, mother ” , said Dick to his mother, coming home from school. “ I saved on fares. I didn't go to school by bus, I ran all the way after it. ”
“ Well, ” said his mother laughing, “ Next time you should run after a taxi, you will save much more. ”
译文：
你会省得更多
“妈妈，你今天一定会对我满意的，”迪克放学回家后对妈妈说，“我省下了车钱。我上学时没乘公共汽车，而是跟着公共汽车一路跑到学校的。”
“哦，”妈妈笑着说，“下次你跟在出租车后面跑，那会省得更多”。
春节笑话（英语)
In ancient times, there was a family very superstitious, all thingses all fortunes. Thirty night, father's two sons took counsel said: "in-class necessariky a new pair of Spring Festival couplets and now let's say cobolli gigli words, each one spring couplets to coax." Two sons nodded. Father first smoothed her whiskers to read aloud a way: "this is good!" The eldest son want to read aloud a way: "unlucky less." The second son went on to read aloud a way: "may not engage in a lawsuit!" Read it, everybody praised a father, by drawing, wrote a no punctuation long picture, stick in the center of the room. The next day, the neighbors will pay. A door and saw the spring couplets, loudly read aloud a way: "this good luck, quilted miniatures lawsuit!"
古时候，有一人家十分迷信，凡事都要讨个吉利。年三十晚上，父亲的两个儿子商议说：“堂上要贴一副新春联，现在咱们每人说一句吉利话，凑出一副春联来。”两个儿子点头称是。父亲先捋着胡须念道：“今年好！”大儿子想了想也念道：“倒霉少。”二儿子接着又念道：“不得打官司！”念完了，大家称赞了一番，就由父亲执笔，写了一条没加标点的长幅，贴在堂屋的正中。第二天，邻居们来拜年。一进门，看见那副春联，大声念道：“今年好倒霉，少不得打官司！”
关于春节的笑话英文版外加中文
In Spring Festival We were going to school In the school Teacher teach us Spring Festival is very happy But we are thinking go to school is worse than grave.
在春节我们去了学校 在学校 老师 告诉我们 春节很开心 但是 我们认为 上学还不如去去上坟
英文短笑话
1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。One boy throws his bag out the window.一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。Teacher: who just threw that?!老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?Boy: Me! I’m going home now.男孩：我!我现在要回家了。
2、What dog can jump higher than a building?什么狗比大楼跳的还高?Anydog, buildings can't jump!任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?A coin!硬币。4、What has one eye but cannot see?什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?A needle.针。5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.Wife: "What does that mean?"妻子：那是什么意思?Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?Husband: "I'm just kidding!"丈夫：开个玩笑!6、Boy: Is this seat empty?男孩：这个座位是空的么？Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。
7、My little dog can't read
我的狗不识字Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
8、My Wife Will Exchange Them反正我太太明天会来换的A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。″Makes no difference ″replied customer.“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。″Any″ he responded.“什么颜色都成。”他回答。″Size﹖″“号码呢？”″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″
“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”
元旦的笑话英文版,少一点
一个美国人,一个法国人还有一个中国人走在大沙漠中,走着走着看到一个瓶子,打开瓶塞后飘出来一个人来,那个人说:\\“我是神仙,我能满足你们每个人三个愿望!”美国人第一个抢着说:\\“我第一个愿望是要很多的钱。”神仙说:\\“这个简单,满足你!说说第二个愿望吧。”美国人说:\\“我还要很多的钱!”神仙满足他的愿望后,美国人又说了他的第三个愿望:\\“把我弄回家。”神仙说:\\“没问题。”于是美国人带着很多的钱回了美国。 神仙又问法国人.法国人说:\\“我要美女!”神仙给了他美女。法国人又说:\\“我还要美女!”神仙也满足了他,给了他美女。法国人最后说到:\\“把我送回法国。”神仙把法国人送回国后问中国人要什么。 中国人说:\\“先来瓶二锅头吧。”神仙给了他。问他第二个愿望是什么。中国人说:\\“再来一瓶二锅头!”神仙问他第三个愿望是什么。中国人说:\\“我挺想法国人和美国人的,你把他们都弄回来吧。” 法国人和美国人气的不得了,但又无可奈何,三个人只好继续走。 走着走着又看见一个瓶子,打开塞子后又冒出一个人来,那个人说:\\“我是刚才那个神仙的弟弟,法力没他高强,所以只能满足你们每个人两个愿望。” 法国人和美国人合计合计认为先让中国人说为好,免得一会又被他弄回来。于是中国人说:\\“那就先来瓶二锅头吧。”神仙满足了他的愿望。法国人和美国人催促中国人赶快把第二个愿望说出来。中国人喝完二锅头后不紧不慢地对神仙说:\\“行了,没事了,你丫走吧。”
一个美国人、一个日本人、一个中国人在丛林探险。结果全被吃人部落抓去了。可部落酋长说："我今天心情好，不吃你们，但你们都得挨一百板子，但在挨板子前你们可以有一个愿望实现。” 先挨板子的是美国人。他说："挨板子前，先给我屁股垫上1个坐垫。”垫罢，板子雨点般落下；先前70板还凑合，70板之后坐垫被打烂，然后就是板板见血……打完，美国老摸着屁股走了。 日本人见状后，要求10个床垫。1、2、3…100打完，日本人起身，拍拍屁股，没事；然后张着臭嘴对自己的模仿能力和再创造能力吹嘘一番，并想坐一边看中国人的好戏。中国人慢慢趴下，悠哉悠哉地说："来，把日本人给我垫上。”…
英语小笑话
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
