动物英语笑话。带翻译
这篇文章应该高中就能懂了，配上翻译了。
Someday, a hunter go for a hunting with his horse and dog.有一天，一个猎人带上他的马和狗去打猎。
For a while, they see a lion.不一会儿，他们看见一头狮子。
The hunter aim and shoot but, unfortunately, he miss.猎人举枪瞄准并开了枪，但不幸的是，他打偏了。
The lion is shocked by the shoot and roar to the hunter.那只狮子被枪声吓到了，并开始向猎人咆哮。
"Oh! Looks like the lion is going to attack us!" says the horse. “噢！看起来它要过来攻击我们了！”马说道。
Shocked by voice from his horse, the hunter run as fast as he can to get rid of it.惊讶于马的声音，猎人吓得撒腿就跑。
Finnally, he find his horse do not follow him so he want to take a rest.终于，他发现他的马没有追过来了，于是他想休息一下。
"Oh my God! I've never seen a horse can talk!" “我的天呀！我从来没见过马能够说话！”
At the end, the hunter die of being shocked twice a day.最后，猎人死于在同一天受惊吓两次。
动物笑话(英文版)
Jokes About Animal
A cat with suspected Multiple Personality Disorder:
As an experienced veterinary psychologist, I have treated many cats for a wide variety of conditions, including Feline Factitious Disorder (F.F.D.), Siamese Schizophrenia, Generalized Angora Anxiety Syndrome (G.A.A.S.), Hysterical Hairballs, Catnip Dependence, Finicky Personality Disorder, and of course, MPD (usually known as Feline Dissociative Disorder, multiple type).
What small success I have had has been the product of rigorously applied Multiphasic Empathic Ontogenic Work (M.E.O.W.). It is demanding of both therapist and patient, but given sufficient motivation and an understanding owner, it is the only hope.
The first phase of treatment requires repeated application of Feline Exo-Empathic Dysphoric Mood Exercises (F.E.E.D.M.E.) until a stable period of at least one month has been established. The next phase begins the challenging of the fragmentation, and it entails the Lovingly Interpreted Transferential Topographic Entity Rapprochement By Observed Xenophobia maneuver (L.I.T.T.E.R.B.O.X.) in which the very fragmentation itself is made toxic to the cat. The final phase produces a single, intact personality through Positive Unified Reintegrated Reinforcement (P.U.R.R.), and though this phase can last upwards of two years, it is essential that it be performed unerringly with intensely focused purpose. A thorough exegesis of M.E.O.W. treatment can be found in my latest book, "Feline Analytic Theory & Character: Assessment and Technique" (F.A.T.C.A.T.).
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."
There once were two cats in Kilkenny
And each thought there was one cat too many;
So they quarreled and fit
And they gouged and they bit
Til, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats there weren't any.
Can cats see in the dark?
Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!
do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
Pete: Have you ever seen a catfish?
Paul: Yes, i have
Pete: How did it hold the rod?
A black and white cat crossed my path this morning, and since then my luck has been patchy
Customer: Do you sell cats meat?
Butcher: Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a human being
There was a man whose dog had died. Before he buried the dog, he took
the dog to the vet to see if for sure the dog was dead.
The vet says, Put him on the table here.
He opened a door, a cat walked around the dog once and returned inside
the little box and the vet close the door.
The vet said, Yep, your dog's dead, that'll be 200 dollars.
200 dollars, the man said, don't you think that's a little bit
excessive just to tell me my dog's dead?
The vet said, "Well, it's 40 dollars my fee, 160 for the cat scan."
What do you call a cat that travels by train?
A com-Mew-ter
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens
The U.S. Army attempts to explain the question:?Why did the chicken cross the road?
Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC):?The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures.?Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Special Forces Command:?The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication.?To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs (night vision goggles), preferably near a road bend in a valley.
Personnel Command (PERSCOM):?Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards.?Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):?Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.?Questions? Please see the SSO.
ARMY FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER:?This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
Fort Rucker:?The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified.?The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon.?Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
Forces Command (FORSCOM):?The purpose is not important.?What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON (operational control) of USCINCTRANS (U.S. Commander in Chief, Transportation Command) and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road.?Without CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
Theater Air Control Center (TACC):?We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
COMMAND POST:?What chicken?
TOWER:?The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR).?Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
ARMY MATERIEL COMMAND (AMC):?Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road.?The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.?STRICOM has been asked to develop a Virtual Intensive Chicken Trainer Using ADA Language (VICTUALS).?Anticipated fielding of this device will possibly benefit the Army After Next (AAN) and certainly the NAATNA, (Next Army After The Next Army) initiatives. AMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.?The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals ofdelivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.?This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.?The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
A chicken walked into a bookshop, up to the counter, looked the sales assistant in the eye and said "Buk!".
The assistant, somewhat taken aback, grabbed a book off of the best seller shelf, placed in on the counter and said "Book". To the assistant's surprise the chicken then paid for the book, took it and left the shop.
Next day the chicken returned to the bookshop, walked over to the sales assistant and said "Buk! buk!".
The puzzled assistant gave a shrug, picked two more books from the shelf, placed them on the counter and said "Book book". Once again the chicken paid up, took the two books and left the shop.
Third day the chicken again entered the bookshop, walked over to the sales assistant and said "Buk! buk! buk!".
Now the sales assistant just can't figure out what a chicken would want with books, but a sale is a sale so he selects three more books for the chicken, places them on the counter and says "Book book book". As expected the chicken pays up, takes the three books, and leaves the shop.
The sales assistant can no longer contain his curiosity so he decides to follow the chicken and find out what the hell is going on. Grabbing a jacket he hurriedly closes and locks the shop, just in time to see the chicken turning the corner at the end of the road. Running to the corner he sees the chicken in the distance entering the local park. Running to the park he enters through the gates and spots the chicken way over the other side near to the pond. Running through the park he finally catches up with the chicken near some rushes at the edge of the pond. The sales assistant is really breathless now and can't speak to the chicken so he just watches while the chicken gives each book, one at a time, to a toad by the waterside. Each time the chicken passes a book to the toad the toad looks at the cover and says "Redit, redit, redit"
Three guys are finalists for one position with the CIA. The candidates are told that for the last phase of the selection process they will need to bring their wives in. "We need to know some things about your home life", they are told.
No problem, all three men bring in their wives the next day. The three wives are placed in separate rooms, as are the candidates. The CIA interviewers go into the room with the first candidate:
"Sometimes CIA agents are asked to do things that seem wrong to them. We need to know for sure that your conscience will not get in the way of our objectives, and that you'll be able to carry out whatever task we ask of you."
With that, one of the interviewers pulls out a gun. "Go into the other room and kill your wife", are the instructions he gives.
"What, are you crazy?" he responds. "I've got two great kids and I love my wife. You can keep your stinkin' job!" And with that, he takes his wife and removes himself from consideration.
The agents approach the second candidate with the same explanation and instruction.
"You've got to be kidding!" he exclaims. "We've been married for 30 years. I couldn't be happier with her. Screw you and your job!" And, with that, he takes his wife and removes himself from consideration.
Finally, the agents approach the last candidate and give him the same explanation and instruction.
Instantly, he darts out of the room with the gun and into the room where his wife is. Six quick shots are fired. After a brief silence, the agents could hear all kinds of crashing noises. Finally the candidate emerges from the room all frazzled and bloody.
"What happened in there?" the agents ask.
The candidate responds, "Some idiot put blanks in that gun. I had to strangle the bitch!"
I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooo!" Like we expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?"
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated.
How does a rancher manage his accounts? On a cowculator.
what do you call a cow that has had an abortion ? =
decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
动物英语笑话
A tiger caught a Deer.一只老虎抓到一头鹿
The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me"老虎打算吃了这头鹿.鹿急忙大叫：“你不能吃我？”
The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you? 老虎一楞，感到很奇怪，于是问鹿：“为什么我不能吃你？”
The deer said:" Because im a protected second class animal in the country, so, no matter what you can't eat me !"
鹿说：“因为我是国家二级保护动物，所以，你无论如何也不能吃了我！”
The tiger after hearing what the deer said, laughed and said " haha, then i should really eat you !
老虎听完笑着说：“呵呵，那么我更应该要吃你了
Deer asked : " why ?"
鹿说：“为什么？”
" because im a first class protected animal in the country" Tiger proudly said
“因为我是国家一级动物！”老虎得意地说。
关于动物的英语小笑话（短一点，要有题目）
老师：老实说，你吸烟吗？
男生 a ：不吸。``
老师：不吸？嗯，吃根薯条吧。
男生 a 很自然地伸出两根手指夹着接过来……
老师：不吸？！叫家长来……
[ 场景二 ]
老师 : 吸烟吗？
男生 b: 不吸。
老师：不吸？嗯，吃根薯条吧。
b 由于听到a 的情况，所以很小心的用手掌接过了薯条。
老师：不蘸点番茄酱吗？
b 一不小心蘸多了，于是马上用手指弹了弹……
老师：弹烟灰的姿势很熟练嘛。叫家长来……
[ 场景三 ]
老师：吸烟吗？
男生 c: 不吸。
老师：不吸，好，吃根薯条吧。
c 因有前面两个例子很小心地流着汗吃完了薯条。
老师：不给同学带根回去吗？
c 接过薯条后顺手就夹在耳朵上……
老师：不吸？？？叫家长来……
[ 场景四 ]
老师：吸烟吗？
男生 d ：不吸。
老师：很好，吃根薯条吧。
d 心惊胆战地吃完了薯条。
老师：不给同学带根回去吗？
d 又小心地将薯条放到了上衣袋里。
老师突然大喊一声：校长来了！
d 赶忙从口袋里取出薯条扔在地上，用脚使劲地踩……
老师：不吸？！叫家长来……
[ 场景五 ]
老师：吸烟吗？
男生 e ：不吸，
老师：很好，吃根薯条吧。
e 刚拿过薯条，老师说：不请我吃吗？
e 赶忙双手递过薯条，然后掏出打火机……
老师：不吸？！叫家长来……
[ 场景六 ]
老师：吸烟吗？
男生 f ：不吸。
老师：很好，吃根薯条吧。
f 心惊胆战地吃完了。
老师：突然大喊一声：校长来了！
f 手心冒汗，但仍镇定地低头说到：校长您好！
老师：校长会闻到你嘴里的味道的。
f 掏出薯条：不会，还在这呢，火都还没点……
[ 场景七 ]
老师：你到底吸不吸烟？
男生 g ：向上帝保证，绝对不吸。
老师：真的不吸？好，来吃根薯条吧。
g 非常自然接过薯条吃个干净。
老师：真是个好孩子，你一般喜欢什么牌子的薯条呢？
g( 得意忘形地) ：大中华……
[ 场景八 ]
老师：吃根薯条吧。
男生 n ：谢谢，不会。
老师：……`
我要一篇关于动物的英语笑话,请大家帮帮忙!THANKS!
关于动物的英文笑话
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
精彩专题:起个好听的英文名
Jokes About Animal
A cat with suspected Multiple Personality Disorder:
As an experienced veterinary psychologist, I have treated many cats for a wide variety of conditions, including Feline Factitious Disorder (F.F.D.), Siamese Schizophrenia, Generalized Angora Anxiety Syndrome (G.A.A.S.), Hysterical Hairballs, Catnip Dependence, Finicky Personality Disorder, and of course, MPD (usually known as Feline Dissociative Disorder, multiple type).
What small success I have had has been the product of rigorously applied Multiphasic Empathic Ontogenic Work (M.E.O.W.). It is demanding of both therapist and patient, but given sufficient motivation and an understanding owner, it is the only hope.
The first phase of treatment requires repeated application of Feline Exo-Empathic Dysphoric Mood Exercises (F.E.E.D.M.E.) until a stable period of at least one month has been established. The next phase begins the challenging of the fragmentation, and it entails the Lovingly Interpreted Transferential Topographic Entity Rapprochement By Observed Xenophobia maneuver (L.I.T.T.E.R.B.O.X.) in which the very fragmentation itself is made toxic to the cat. The final phase produces a single, intact personality through Positive Unified Reintegrated Reinforcement (P.U.R.R.), and though this phase can last upwards of two years, it is essential that it be performed unerringly with intensely focused purpose. A thorough exegesis of M.E.O.W. treatment can be found in my latest book, "Feline Analytic Theory & Character: Assessment and Technique" (F.A.T.C.A.T.).
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."
There once were two cats in Kilkenny
And each thought there was one cat too many;
So they quarreled and fit
And they gouged and they bit
Til, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats there weren't any.
Can cats see in the dark?
Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!
do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
Pete: Have you ever seen a catfish?
Paul: Yes, i have
Pete: How did it hold the rod?
A black and white cat crossed my path this morning, and since then my luck has been patchy
Customer: Do you sell cats meat?
Butcher: Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a human being
There was a man whose dog had died. Before he buried the dog, he took
the dog to the vet to see if for sure the dog was dead.
The vet says, Put him on the table here.
He opened a door, a cat walked around the dog once and returned inside
the little box and the vet close the door.
The vet said, Yep, your dog's dead, that'll be 200 dollars.
200 dollars, the man said, don't you think that's a little bit
excessive just to tell me my dog's dead?
The vet said, "Well, it's 40 dollars my fee, 160 for the cat scan."
What do you call a cat that travels by train?
A com-Mew-ter
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens
The U.S. Army attempts to explain the question:?Why did the chicken cross the road?
Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC):?The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures.?Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Special Forces Command:?The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication.?To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs (night vision goggles), preferably near a road bend in a valley.
Personnel Command (PERSCOM):?Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards.?Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):?Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.?Questions? Please see the SSO.
ARMY FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER:?This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
Fort Rucker:?The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified.?The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon.?Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
Forces Command (FORSCOM):?The purpose is not important.?What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON (operational control) of USCINCTRANS (U.S. Commander in Chief, Transportation Command) and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road.?Without CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
Theater Air Control Center (TACC):?We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
COMMAND POST:?What chicken?
TOWER:?The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR).?Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
ARMY MATERIEL COMMAND (AMC):?Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road.?The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.?STRICOM has been asked to develop a Virtual Intensive Chicken Trainer Using ADA Language (VICTUALS).?Anticipated fielding of this device will possibly benefit the Army After Next (AAN) and certainly the NAATNA, (Next Army After The Next Army) initiatives. AMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.?The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals ofdelivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.?This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.?The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
A chicken walked into a bookshop, up to the counter, looked the sales assistant in the eye and said "Buk!".
The assistant, somewhat taken aback, grabbed a book off of the best seller shelf, placed in on the counter and said "Book". To the assistant's surprise the chicken then paid for the book, took it and left the shop.
Next day the chicken returned to the bookshop, walked over to the sales assistant and said "Buk! buk!".
The puzzled assistant gave a shrug, picked two more books from the shelf, placed them on the counter and said "Book book". Once again the chicken paid up, took the two books and left the shop.
Third day the chicken again entered the bookshop, walked over to the sales assistant and said "Buk! buk! buk!".
Now the sales assistant just can't figure out what a chicken would want with books, but a sale is a sale so he selects three more books for the chicken, places them on the counter and says "Book book book". As expected the chicken pays up, takes the three books, and leaves the shop.
The sales assistant can no longer contain his curiosity so he decides to follow the chicken and find out what the hell is going on. Grabbing a jacket he hurriedly closes and locks the shop, just in time to see the chicken turning the corner at the end of the road. Running to the corner he sees the chicken in the distance entering the local park. Running to the park he enters through the gates and spots the chicken way over the other side near to the pond. Running through the park he finally catches up with the chicken near some rushes at the edge of the pond. The sales assistant is really breathless now and can't speak to the chicken so he just watches while the chicken gives each book, one at a time, to a toad by the waterside. Each time the chicken passes a book to the toad the toad looks at the cover and says "Redit, redit, redit"
Three guys are finalists for one position with the CIA. The candidates are told that for the last phase of the selection process they will need to bring their wives in. "We need to know some things about your home life", they are told.
No problem, all three men bring in their wives the next day. The three wives are placed in separate rooms, as are the candidates. The CIA interviewers go into the room with the first candidate:
"Sometimes CIA agents are asked to do things that seem wrong to them. We need to know for sure that your conscience will not get in the way of our objectives, and that you'll be able to carry out whatever task we ask of you."
With that, one of the interviewers pulls out a gun. "Go into the other room and kill your wife", are the instructions he gives.
"What, are you crazy?" he responds. "I've got two great kids and I love my wife. You can keep your stinkin' job!" And with that, he takes his wife and removes himself from consideration.
The agents approach the second candidate with the same explanation and instruction.
"You've got to be kidding!" he exclaims. "We've been married for 30 years. I couldn't be happier with her. Screw you and your job!" And, with that, he takes his wife and removes himself from consideration.
Finally, the agents approach the last candidate and give him the same explanation and instruction.
Instantly, he darts out of the room with the gun and into the room where his wife is. Six quick shots are fired. After a brief silence, the agents could hear all kinds of crashing noises. Finally the candidate emerges from the room all frazzled and bloody.
"What happened in there?" the agents ask.
The candidate responds, "Some idiot put blanks in that gun. I had to strangle the bitch!"
I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooo!" Like we expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?"
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated.
How does a rancher manage his accounts? On a cowculator.
what do you call a cow that has had an abortion ? =
decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
关于一些动物的英文小笑话
A tiger caught a Deer.一只老虎抓到一头鹿
The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me"老虎打算吃了这头鹿.鹿急忙大叫：“你不能吃我？”
The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you? 老虎一楞，感到很奇怪，于是问鹿：“为什么我不能吃你？”
The deer said:" Because im a protected second class animal in the country, so, no matter what you can't eat me !" 鹿说：“因为我是国家二级保护动物，所以，你无论如何也不能吃了我！”
The tiger after hearing what the deer said, laughed and said " haha, then i should really eat you ! 老虎听完笑着说：“呵呵，那么我更应该要吃你了
Deer asked : " why ?" 鹿说：“为什么？”
" because im a first class protected animal in the country" Tiger proudly said “因为我是国家一级动物！”老虎得意地说。
关于动物的笑话(要英文）
为什么好马不吃回头草？ 后面的草全吃没了
Why do the good horse refused to back the grass? Eat all the grass behind it
为什么大雁秋天要飞到南方去？ 如果走就太慢了
Why geese autumn to fly to south to? If go you is too slow
怎样使麻雀安静下来？答案：压它一下。 原因：鸦雀无声（压雀无声）
How to make a sparrow quiet?Pressure him, because in perfect silence
求一个英语笑话（要关于动物的，最好是对话型的）
Two roaches having a discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
急求50则英文小笑话~~
1、An Absent-minded Professor
When they pulled the absent-minded professor， half drowned, from the lake, he sputtered, “How absent-minded I am! I have just remembered that I can swim.”
健忘的教授
当人们把健忘的、淹得半死的教授从湖里拉上来时，他气急败坏地说道：“我真健忘，我刚刚才想起我会游泳！”
2、Father's Motto
teacher: My Children, remember this motto. “Give others more and leave for yourself less.”
Jack: It' just my father's motto!
Teacher: How noble your father's quality is! What's his occupation?
Jack: He is a boxer.
父亲的格言
老师：孩子们，记住这句格言：“多给予，少接受。”
杰克：那正是我父亲的格言！
老师：你父亲真是个品质高尚的人啊！他是干什么工作的？
杰克：它是个拳击手。
3、He Was Caught
“Polorius was kicked out of school for cheating.”
“how come?”
“He was caught, counting his ribs in a hygiene exam.”
他被抓住了
“波罗涅斯由于作弊被开除了”
“什么原因啊”
“在生理卫生考试中,他数自己的肋骨,结果被发现了.”
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两
只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Who is the laziest
Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?
Jack:I don`t know ,father.
Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?
Jack:Our teacher ,father.
A tiger caught a Deer.一只老虎抓到一头鹿
The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me"老虎打算吃了这头鹿.鹿急忙大叫：“你不能吃我？”
The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you? 老虎一楞，感到很奇怪，于是问鹿：“为什么我不能吃你？”
The deer said:" Because im a protected second class animal in the country, so, no matter what you can't eat me !"
鹿说：“因为我是国家二级保护动物，所以，你无论如何也不能吃了我！”
The tiger after hearing what the deer said, laughed and said " haha, then i should really eat you !
老虎听完笑着说：“呵呵，那么我更应该要吃你了
Deer asked : " why ?"
鹿说：“为什么？”
" because im a first class protected animal in the country" Tiger proudly said
“因为我是国家一级动物！”老虎得意地说。
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. “What was your most difficult case?” one asked the other.
“Once I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world,” replied his colleague. “He believed that a wildly rich uncle in South America was going to leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a make
英语经典笑话
An
artist
asked
the
gallery
owner
if
there
had
been
any
interest
in
his
paintings
currently
on
display.
"I've
got
good
news
and
bad
news,"
the
owner
replied.
"The
good
news
is
that
a
gentleman
inquired
about
your
work
and
wondered
if
it
would
appreciate
in
value
after
your
death.
When
I
told
him
it
would,
he
bought
all
fifteen
of
your
paintings."
"That's
wonderful!"
the
artist
exclaimed,
"What's
the
bad
news?".
With
concern,
the
gallery
owner
replied,
"The
guy
was
your
doctor
一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”
“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。
The
New
Teacher
George
comes
from
school
on
the
first
of
September.
"George,
how
did
you
like
your
new
teacher?"
asked
his
mother.
"I
didn't
like
her,
Mother,
because
she
said
that
three
and
three
were
six
and
then
she
said
that
two
and
four
were
six
too....."
新老师
9月1日，
乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？"
妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6,
可后来又说2加4也得6。"
Two
Birds
Teacher:
Here
are
two
birds,
one
is
a
swallow,
the
other
is
sparrow.
Now
who
can
tell
us
which
is
which?
Student:
I
cannot
point
out
but
I
know
the
answer.
Teacher:
Please
tell
us.
Student:
The
swallow
is
beside
the
sparrow
and
the
sparrow
is
beside
the
swallow.
两只鸟
老师：
这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
Excuse
for
Speeding
Excuse
for
Speeding
Harry
and
Lloyd
were
speeding
down
the
road.
A
police
car
pulled
them
over.
〃Why
on
earth
were
you
driving
so
fast？〃
the
policeman
yelled.
〃Our
brakes
are
no
good-so
we
wanted
to
get
there
before
we
had
an
accident！〃
超速的理由
哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。
“你们为什么开那么快？”警官喊道。
“我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”
Send
the
Bill
to
My
Father
Doctor：
〃I
can
do
nothing
for
your
complaint.
It
is
hereditary.〃
Patient：
〃then
send
the
bill
to
my
father，please.〃
把账单给我父亲
医生：“对你的抱怨我无能为力。那是遗传病。”
病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲吧。”
One
girl
went
to
the
preacher
and
confessed
her
sin.
Girl:
Father,
I
have
sinned.
Preacher:
What
did
you
do,
little
girl?
Girl:
Yesterday,
I
called
a
man
a
son
of
a
Bitch.
Preacher:
Why?
What
did
he
do
to
you?
Girl:
He
touched
my
breast.
Preacher:
You
mean
like
this?
(The
guy
did
it.)
Girl:
(A
little
shy
from
the
touch)
Yes.
Preacher:
That's
no
reason
to
call
him
that.
Girl:
But
he
also
took
off
my
cloth.
Preacher:
You
mean
like
this?
(He
did
it
again.)
Girl:
Yes,
that's
what
he
did.
Preacher:
That's
still
no
reason
to
call
him
that.
Girl:
And
he
put
his
you-know-what
into
my
you-know-what...
Preacher:
(evil
laugh...)
You
mean
like
this?
(And
you-know-what)
Girl:
(After
a
few
minutes...)
Ugh...
Yeah,
that's
what
he
did...
Preacher:
My
dear
girl,
that's
still
no
reason
to
call
him
a...
Girl:
But
he
had
AIDS!!
Preacher:
THAT
SON
OF
A
BITCH
小建议：
英语笑话通常都是很短的，要是长了就达不到效果了。越是经典的就越短。老外的幽默和我们的不一样的。十句以上都可以算作阅读段了，怎么表演啊，听众本来听英语就费劲，句子又多又长，肯定没兴趣了，还是找些短的来表演吧，BODY
LANGUAGE
到位，EXPRESSION
到位就OK了。
但是有关动物的确实找不到了，对不起。
